The Science of Shame And Why It's Sabotaging Your Progress.
What if I told you that the guilt you feel after eating "off plan" isn't keeping you on track, it's actually making you eat more?
I know. It sounds backwards.
Maybe even a little suspicious, like I'm trying to let you off the hook or tell you that nothing matters.
I'm not. I promise we're going somewhere real with this.
Here's the thing: there's genuine science behind this, and it completely changed the way I think about "slip-ups," motivation, and what it actually takes to build habits that stick.
Because most of us were taught, either directly or just by living in diet culture, that feeling bad about a food choice is a form of discipline. Like, if you guilt yourself hard enough, you'll learn your lesson and do better next time. And that logic makes sense on the surface.
The problem is that it doesn't work. And today I want to show you exactly why and what to do instead.
So if you've ever spiraled after an "off" meal, told yourself you have no willpower, or felt like you keep starting over from zero... this one is for you. Let's get into it.
We’ve all been there…
You ate something "off plan," a cookie, some chips, whatever it was for you, and then you spent the next hour, or honestly the next day, beating yourself up about it.
Like, if you just felt bad enough about it, you'd somehow do better next time?
Same.
And here's what I've learned: that strategy doesn't work. Not even a little bit.
And today we're going to talk about why… and what actually does.
So let's start with guilt.
Because guilt gets a bad reputation, and honestly? It's not entirely deserved.
A small amount of guilt can be useful. It's like a little tap on the shoulder, “Hey, that choice didn't really line up with what you want.” It creates awareness. And awareness is the first step to change.
The problem isn't guilt itself. The problem is what guilt turns into when we don't catch it in time.
It turns into shame.
And shame is a completely different animal.
Here's the simplest way I can explain the difference in the words of our beloved Brene Brown:
Guilt says, "I did something bad." Shame says, "I am bad."
You see how that shifts?
Guilt is about a behavior.
Shame is about your identity.
And when your identity is on the line, everything gets harder.
Shame disconnects you from yourself.
It isolates you. It's the voice that says, "I already messed up, so why even bother?" and suddenly one cookie becomes the whole bag, and the whole bag becomes "I've ruined everything."
That's not a willpower problem. That's a shame spiral. And it's incredibly common.
Now here's something that really stopped me in my tracks when I first learned it, and I think it'll land for you, too.
Shame triggers stress. Like, physiological stress. Your nervous system treats shame as a threat.
When we’re self-critical, we activate the body’s stress response, and this stress response makes it harder to think clearly or approach challenges with creativity and resilience, and it can push us to either overreact (fight/flight) or shut down entirely (freeze).
And what does stress do? It increases cravings, specifically for high-energy, comfort foods. Your body is literally responding to the emotional pain of shame by driving you toward more food.
So the thing you were using to try to eat less is actually making you eat more.
It's not a character flaw. It's biology.
And this is why so many people who seem like they "have it together" on the outside are quietly exhausted on the inside. They're running on shame-based motivation, “I should be able to handle this, I should be further along, I should be better than this…” and it works, for a while. Until it doesn't. Until the whole thing collapses.
This perfectionistic thinking, “I should…” this desire for everything to be perfect all the time, makes any setback feel like a personal flaw, not a natural part of the process. Shame-based motivation (“I should be able to handle this”) tends to backfire, leading to rigid behaviors, guilt when “failing,” and eventual collapse of the behavior altogether.
So if shame doesn't work, what does?
I want to talk about self-compassion, and I want to address something right away, because I know what some of you are thinking: "Isn't self-compassion just letting yourself off the hook?"
No. It's really not. And that misunderstanding keeps a lot of people stuck.
Self-compassion isn't saying, "It doesn't matter, do whatever you want." Self-compassion is actually asking harder questions, questions that shame never lets you get to because shame just wants to make you feel terrible.
Self-compassion asks:
What was I actually needing in that moment?
What can I learn from this?
How can I support myself going forward?
Those questions lead to change. Shame just leads to avoidance.
When we respond to ourselves with self-compassion, we shift the brain from threat mode to calm mode. Instead of activating the stress response, we tap into the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for rest and recovery.
Self-compassion activates the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved in problem-solving, emotional regulation, and rational thinking.
Instead of releasing stress hormones (which is what self-criticism and self-hate do), your brain produces oxytocin, a hormone associated with feelings of safety, connection, and calm. This calm response allows you to process setbacks or challenges with greater perspective, making it easier to move forward. In addition, in calm mode, the brain is more flexible and open to new solutions.
Self-compassionate thoughts like “This is hard, but I can handle it” or “Everyone struggles sometimes” help you stay grounded, so you can make choices that align with your long-term goals, rather than reacting from a place of fear or stress.
When we treat ourselves kindly, when we practice self-love, we don’t just feel better emotionally; we’re also giving our brain the space it needs to problem-solve and grow. Instead of staying stuck in the stress response, self-compassion helps us activate the brain’s care system, which supports resilience, recovery, and healthier decision-making.
The leading researcher in self-compassion is a woman named Kristin Neff, and she has studied self-compassion extensively. She breaks it down into three components that I think are really worth knowing.
The 1st is self-kindness: treating yourself the way you'd treat a good friend, instead of your own worst critic.
The 2nd is common humanity: recognizing that struggle is a shared human experience, not a personal defect. You are not the only person who has eaten the whole sleeve of crackers. You are not uniquely broken.
The 3rd is mindfulness: being able to sit with a difficult feeling without over-identifying with it. Noticing the guilt without becoming the guilt.
When you put those three things together, something really interesting happens. You stop white-knuckling your wellness journey, and you start actually understanding yourself, which is where sustainable change lives.
I also want to reframe something else while we're here: the word "failure."
We treat failure like it means something is wrong with us. But what if we treated it like information instead?
When something isn't working, it's showing you: this approach needs adjusting.
01. What’s not working
02. What needs support
03. Where your system (not your self) might need adjusting
That shift is everything. Because when failure is about your identity, you avoid it at all costs, which means you avoid trying things, avoid being honest with yourself, and avoid admitting when something isn't working.
But when failure is just feedback? You get curious. You problem-solve. You try again without the crushing weight of what it means about you as a person.
Okay, let's make this actionable. Because I don't want you to leave this episode just nodding along. I want you to have something real to use. Next time guilt shows up after a food choice, or honestly, after any choice that didn't feel aligned, here's what I want you to try.
01) Pause before the spiral. Just a breath. One moment between the guilt and the story you're about to tell yourself about it.
02) Get curious, not judgmental. Instead of, "Why did I do that? I'm so weak,” try, "Hm, what was actually going on for me before that happened?" Were you stressed? Tired? Lonely? Bored? The choice is rarely really about the food.
03) Zoom out. One choice does not define your progress. Your health is built on patterns, not single moments. One cookie doesn't undo a week of nourishing yourself. That's just not how it works.
04) Ask two questions. The reflection question: "What was I really needing that I didn't give myself?" and the moving forward question: "How can I make my next choice feel more supportive?"
That's it.
That's the whole practice.
It might not sound like a lot, but if you get into the habit of doing this, it will change your life.
Often, we think issues like “overeating” or “sugar cravings” are food problems, so we try to fix them with “food solutions,” like getting rid of sweets in the house or restricting entire food groups… but the issue isn’t actually food-related - that’s just what we tell ourselves is the “easier” thing to control. It’s actually a mental/emotional issue that we’re avoiding, and creating awareness around that is everything.
That's how awareness becomes actual change.
Here's what I really want you to take away from today.
Shame is not your friend. It has never made you healthier, more consistent, or more at peace with yourself. It just makes you give up sooner.
What actually works is understanding yourself, with kindness, with curiosity, and with the recognition that you are a human being doing something genuinely hard in a world that makes it harder.
You are not your slip-ups.
You are not your "off days."
You are the person who keeps showing up, keeps trying to figure it out, keeps asking better questions.
That's the work. And it's worth it.
Azul is a Certified Health and Self-Development Coach on a mission to change the way you approach fitness and nutrition - by first changing the way you approach your relationship to self. She coaches women who want to improve their wellness and relationship to self with science-based holistic practices designed to transform their habits and mindset around food, fitness, and self-care. You can schedule a free 20-minute intro call to learn more by clicking here.
