Compliments We’d Rather Hear
“𝒀𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒚.”
“Did you lose weight? You look great!”
Let’s talk about compliments.
Most of the time (I hope all the time) they’re well intentioned and I absolutely love when people want to uplift others. More often than not though, compliments tend to be about outer appearances and can start to define (and influence) the way people value themselves. We start aligning our worth with how we believe other people hold us valuable (through things they say and how they treat us).
*Growing up I often was being complimented on my looks. Pretty. Skinny. Nice skin. Shiny hair. In the moment, these type of compliments felt great to hear, of course they do, but as I grew older and naturally my body started to change (skin, weight, hair, etc.). I felt like I was losing what made me a person people would want to be around. I was losing my identity. I would search for compliments, validation from the opposite sex, my family, friends. I had tied looking a certain way to who I was, and what made me a person worth being around. Eventually, in an effort to hang on to what I thought was my worth as a person, I developed body dysmorphia and my eating disorder. Through therapy, reflection, and great friendships I was able to start identifying other things about myself that made me a good friend, partner, sister, daughter, coworker, etc.
Another Example:
X: Wow, you lost weight. You look so good!
Y: Thanks!
...Later
Y: I wonder what X thought of me before. X complimented me and said I look great because I lost weight. Oh god, what will happen if I look like I did before? I can’t gain the weight back, I won't look as good. I need to keep eating less and I can’t miss a workout now.
Complimenting people on how "good they look" after weight loss reinforces weight stigma, regardless of if your intentions were meant to be good.
Remember, weight loss can often be a result of something negative (i.e. illness, stress, negative life event, bad self-image, insecurities, low sense of self-worth, etc.) Weight loss isn't always intentional and it's not always for positive reasons.
You can congratulate someone for working hard to achieve something, but saying someone looks good BECAUSE they are smaller is perpetuating the idea that smaller is better, and it's not.
Compliments are wonderful, I’m not asking to compliment each other less, but rather, let’s try and put a little more effort into what we say and acknowledge people for what they bring to the relationship and how they make us feel, as opposed to how they look. Remind the people you love WHY you love them. That way, they can get a better sense of what makes them a good human.
I don’t love my friends because I think they’re pretty, I love my friends because they’re motivating, great listeners, good advice givers, caring, funny, uplifting, open-minded, etc…
𝑬𝒙𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒐𝒏 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆:
You have a great energy about you. I feel uplifted when you’re around.
You have the greatest sense of humor. I’m always laughing around you!
I love how passionate you are about _____. It really inspires me.
I always learn so much from our conversations. You’re so intelligent!
You’re a great listener. I feel always feel heard when I talk to you.
You’re such a genuine person. I appreciate your honesty.
You’re so organized! I always feel so on track when I work with you.
You’re so down to earth. I feel like I can be myself around you.
You’re so bold!
The world would be a better place if everyone had an ounce of your compassion.
You’re glowing.
Your smile is contagious.
You’re so persistent, I admire that about you.
Comment below with a compliment you’d rather hear than, “You’re pretty.” Better yet, text or call a friend and give them a compliment that has nothing to do with their appearance and everything to do with what makes them such a good friend.
ABOUT:
Hi, I’m Azul Corajoria, an Integrative Health Coach, Personal Trainer & Yoga Instructor. I support my clients in making step-by-step changes so that they can live a healthy and balanced life. By recognizing the interdependent roles of mindset, nutrition, and movement I educate and hold my clients accountable for achieving their health goals through lifestyle and behavior adjustments with an emphasis on self-care. Together, we navigate the contradictory world of nutrition through intuitive eating, practice mindful movement, and implement small mindset and lifestyle shifts that empower them to be their best selves in the easiest way possible.
