Don’t be a D*ck

“In a world where you can be anything: Be kind. Don’t be a dick.”

I saw a woman recently wearing this t-shirt that in small writing said, “don't be a dick," and it made me chuckle. A few days later I was out walking in Paris, and this woman comes up to sell me something, and I said, “Non, merci. Sorry," and as I turned to walk away she mocked my English “sorry” to her partner and started laughing (the first time a Parisian has been rude to me). It caught me off guard and didn't make me feel great. In my head, I turned around and kindly confronted her in a way that would make her feel bad for making fun of me. Then, I called the organization she worked for and got her fired… In my head lol. In reality, I kept walking. I thought, how freaking rude, and for what? I almost let it bring me down, but at the end of the day she doesn't know anything about me - and her actions speak volumes about her, not me.

So yeah, don't be a dick to others, but also…

don't be a dick to yourself.

I mean, you can if you want to, it's up to you, but did you know…

Compared to self-criticizers, research shows that people who are more self-compassionate:

• perform better and rarely “choke” under pressure

• are more resilient and able to bounce back faster from setbacks

• feel less depressed and/or anxious

• have better relationships

• feel more secure in their interpersonal life

• get along with people more effectively

• are more emotionally intelligent and less egocentric

• are more satisfied with life

• learn, grow, and develop more effectively

• and are psychologically healthier overall

Those are pretty enticing reasons to start being a little nicer to yourself, no?

So the question is, how do you start?

Do I just start shouting affirmations at myself?

Do I try and just “love myself," even though I don't really feel like I do?

Let's start by breaking Self-Compassion down.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the study of self-compassion, there are three components of Self-Compassion: 

1. Self-Kindness

Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our discomfort or self-criticizing. Treating ourselves with the same care and kindness that we would offer a friend or a loved one.

Example: If you feel bad about missing a workout, try to stop the spiral of self-loathing by acknowledging your feelings and gently reminding yourself that it's okay to have off days and that you can try again tomorrow.

2. Common Humanity

Recognize that things like failing are part of the shared human experience. Everyone goes through difficult times and makes mistakes. You are not alone. It's about seeing our struggles as part of a larger human condition, rather than something that isolates us.

Example: If you struggle with continuously missing workouts, you might find comfort in knowing that many people face similar challenges, which can help you feel less alone and less like there's something wrong with you. You're not broken.

3. Mindfulness

This involves being aware of our thoughts and feelings without judgment, neither suppressing or exaggerating them. It's about maintaining a balanced perspective, allowing ourselves to observe our negative emotions without guilt or shame.

Example: If you feel frustrated you missed a workout, being mindful would mean you observe your frustration, but you don't let yourself get overwhelmed by it, so you have a moment to breathe and think through the solution, instead of focusing on yourself as the problem.

Self-Compassion doesn't mean you're letting yourself “off the hook.”

It doesn't sound like, “Oh, I ate a whole cake today, whatever."

It actually sounds like,“I ate a whole cake today. I’m kind of upset about that, but that’s okay, it happens. What came up for me that led me to eat the whole cake? What was I feeling? What was I doing? How can I best support myself next time so I can enjoy the cake, but maybe not have the whole thing?”

Can you see spot the self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness?

So, the next time something doesn’t go to plan, just for funsies, try practicing some self-compassion. I can tell you with absolutely certainty, doing this, was the first step of my transformative healing journey, and every single one of my clients' as well.