Alone in Paris, Crying on My Birthday.
I struggle to find the words.
I just have so much love within me right now that once I was able to breathe normally again I knew I needed to write this. It started off being for me, but then I realized it was also for you.
First of all,
A wholehearted thank you to those that have been a part of my life (no matter for how long or in what capacity) these past 33 years. That includes you ex-boyfriends, former bosses, community on Instagram, friends I have lost touch with, strangers that have smiled at me, people I have been angered by, etc. I know people are placed into our lives for a reason. Everyone you get to experience in your life is a mirror - teaching you something, gifting you opportunities for healing, growth and expansion. You’ve all helped shape me into who I am now, and for that I am so so grateful.
Thank you especially to those that have held me through grief and loss. That have celebrated love and happiness with me. Those that continue to be my greatest support and family. The people I hold so close to my heart. The ones that saw in me what I struggled to see for so long and that loved me when I couldn’t love myself. The ones that believed in me before I believed in myself. I love you so f**cking much. I am so lucky I get to do life alongside you.
Thank you, most importantly, to me.
this body.
this mind.
this soul.
Alone in Paris, the clock struck midnight. I put on this birthday playlist and danced and sang.
In a moment of stillness I started to cry, but with a huge smile on my face, and then I started to laugh. Laughter of pure joy, relief, gratitude. For the last 33 years. For finally feeling at home within myself. For not being where I thought I’d be, and being at peace with that. Trusting. For the love I felt inside my heart, for me. Finally. Finally. Finally. Tears of joy.
I share this really special moment with you, because I want to give you hope. Hope I needed a long time ago. When I was a girl, with no trust in myself or the universe / god / whatever you want to call it. The girl that hid wrappers in trashcans out of shame. The girl who couldn't look in a mirror without tearing herself apart. The girl that replied, “but why,” when people told her they loved her. The girl who turned away cookies her friend made for her because she was scared of gaining weight. The girl that asked, “What oil did you cook with,” at restaurants because #Whole30. The girl who was scared to be alone, because she was her own worst enemy. The girl who constantly sought out validation from others. The girl who deleted beautiful memories because she thought she looked gross in the photos. The girl who couldn't enjoy sex because she'd see the rolls on her stomach. The girl who hated her smile because she thought it made her face look round. The girl that didn't voice her feelings because she didn't think they were justified. The girl who worked out 2 hrs a day to feel decent about herself. The girl who wanted to vomit her food after binging, but forced herself to sit with the discomfort and disgust she thought she deserved to feel. The girl who didn't think she could be happy until she fit into that too-small-for-her bikini she bought.
TRIGGER WARNING: Below I'm going to share some posts with you that I've never shown anyone before. I had a private “burner” account where I just posted for myself.
That girl, is this woman that a few days ago celebrated her 33rd birthday.
And I want to say she'd be so proud, but honestly, I don't think she would have believed me.
If that's you right now, not believing change, healing, and growth is possible for you. Please take my story and use it as an expansion. As a possibility. As a ray of light. I slowly started to believe that change could maybe, slightly, be possible for me because 1) I couldn't handle the hurt anymore 2) I saw it was true for others and kept finding people that were breaking through that helped me believe it could maybe happen. I hope my story can be that for you.
Life is so hard.
Life is also so, so beautiful.
…and and I get to go through it with the best company, me.
Years ago I never thought I’d be able to say that, today I cried because I can.
and not because I found the perfect diet.
and not because I worked out 7x/week.
But because I finally decided to be on my own side. I decided to stop fighting myself. I remember the exact moment so clearly, when I broke the cycle for the first time, instead of berating and shaming myself like I always did, I held myself and said, “It's okay. You're okay." That's where it began. A simple, but powerful, choice of words. I became the best friend I needed in that moment. Where my BYOB (Be Your Own Bestie) movement was born.
I hope one day, the love and gratitude you have for yourself makes you happy cry as well.
I hope one day, you can call yourself your own best friend, and mean it.
Find comfort in your own arms. Find solace in your own thoughts.
The person you will spend the most time with, is you. So invest in the most important relationship you will ever have, the one you have with yourself.
I was going to finish this by writing down 33 things to do to start healing your relationship with yourself, but then I realized that would just be overwhelming, so I'll just leave you with this:
Be kind, my friend.
I know “self-love" can feel really tough. So, in what capacity can you just be a little kinder to yourself, starting today? In what ways, can you BYOB? When negative thoughts come in, can you try pushing back against them? Let yourself have the cookie. Maybe it's ordering a salad full of veggies because you want to nourish your body. Perhaps it's taking yourself for a walk outdoors. Calling a friend on your way home from work. It can be making a small promise to yourself, and keeping it. Writing yourself a love letter. Letting go of someone that doesn't make you feel good. Taking those clothes out of the closet that you don't currently feel good in. Unfollowing people on IG that you compare yourself to. Congratulating and celebrating every small win you get. When you fail, be proud for trying, and get back up.
